I like to think that I was born in a faraway realm under some wicked curse. My parents loved me–as best as they could–and life was alright in that land–sometimes good, sometimes bad, but mostly fine–but my curse followed me wherever I went.
My curse was ever-present: its flapping black wings hovering over me, casting a long shadow that dogged my every movement, every moment, and every memory.
The Big Black Bird was my curse. Hidden by dark, ancient magic, I could not see it but I could feel its dark presence. Like an intangible weight, pressing down, sucking the warmth out of the room and the joy from my heart; I believe that although no one could see the Big Black Bird, everywhere I went and everyone I spoke to could feel its taint around me.
***
At first, I tried to run from the Big Black Bird.
I left late one night and ran. I ran through wild forests where dangerous animals stalked, but none of them dared come near me and my Big Black Bird. I crossed wild rivers over bridges where trolls hid, but none of them dared stop me and face my Big Black Bird. I drank witches’ foul potions to banish it or forget it or find joy elsewhere, but to no avail and with no effect. And so I fled further across mountains and rugged wilderness where wild elementals and warlocks hurled fire and lightning, but all of them averted their eyes as I passed by.
Everywhere I went and everyone I spoke to could feel the Big Black Bird’s taint around me.
Despite all the running, the Big Black Bird was always there.
***
Exhausted, I collapsed late one night. It was pitch black and, at that moment, I could almost see the Big Black Bird. There was no Moon in the sky. No stars. There was no light in any direction I looked, and the Big Black Bird was so real I could feel it pressing down on me. Its cold feathers and intense, inhuman and uncaring eyes watching my every move…
I cried out to the Big Black Bird to finish it! End things! Stop stalking me and just end my suffering! Why! Why torture me like this!
But the only answer I got in that impenetrable darkness was silence. An uncaring and inhuman silence like only the wicked cosmos can deliver.
***
At this point, I like to think that I fell into a dark and magical sleep. I also like to think that in this faraway realm everyone had a Fairy that watched over them with unconditional love and caring.
She appeared to me in this dream and explained to me that the Big Black Bird–my Big Black Bird–was not a curse, it was destiny that I needed to face.
I awoke the next morning as rays of light pierced the sky. The Sun rose–as it had every day of my life without me noticing–and chased away the lingering darkness from that night.
I smiled grimly and stood up. I knew what I had to do.
***
I climbed the Great Mountain and, at the top where it pierces Heaven itself, I grabbed the Sword of Light from the selfish god hiding up there. I wrestled it from his ancient hold and leaped to earth where he fears to tread.
Wielding the Sword of Light, I carved my way through the darkest dungeons beneath the ruins of the oldest castles where the tombs of ancient knights lie. I found the greatest of them and donned their magical armour; it was light and hard, made from the very rays of the first sunrise itself and forged at the center of the world with unbreakable bonds.
And then, finally, holding the Sword of Light and wearing the Armour of Light, I returned home to where I was born and waited for the Dark Moon. It will appear in the night sky at the hour of my birth and it will summon the Big Black Bird home.
Then and there, I would fulfill my destiny. I would free myself from my curse. Then and there, I would slay the Big Black Bird.
Then everything would be alright, I like to think.
***
But then I remember that I am not cursed nor born in any faraway realm where magic and destiny matter and great acts of courage and kindness and love are rewarded. I am not in a realm where a Fairy loves me unconditionally and is always watching over me.
All that I am is a person lying in a bed and struggling to get out.
My alarm clock is ringing and another empty day is facing me. The dog is barking for me to move–she wants her morning walk–and I can hear an email or message ping on my phone, almost certainly work piling up.
Things need to be done and there is no one but me in my life to do them with no reward other than what I give myself.
And I pause just a moment more… I hover there as the dog is barking, my alarm is ringing, traffic sounds starting up, and sunlight piercing my curtains. Suspended in that moment, I realize that the one thing that remains from my thoughts and the one thing that does exist is my Big Black Bird.
I feel its dark presence. Always.