“Rerun those numbers, I don’t want to get caught out here. I’m late for dinner with the wife, but tomorrow we’ll call the lawyers and pull the trigger. This takeover will be a steal and we’re gaining access to such a large addressable market I, I dunno, it’d be like a sin not to try capture it!”
“Yes, definitely, sir! And it allows us some good regulatory arbitrage, they don’t have the same rules down there. They’re far more pro-business! But, yes, sir, will run the numbers again. Enjoy diner and I’ll let you know if I come across anything.”
***
“OK, same play-by-play, everyone. We’ve done this plenty of times now. We’re going to do this takeover just like the others. Lever up the balance sheet, cut costs, drop capex, hike prices and boost free cash flows. Not rocket science–“
“SIR, YOUR WIFE’S LAWYERS ARE ON THE PHONE?“
“Ye-yes, well, tell them to wait.”
“YES, SIR.“
“How are the other businesses doing? Are we managing to extract full value from the low-regulatory regions yet?”
“We’ve quadrupled our addressable market, returns to scale is pushing out competitors—which we will obviously consolidate as they fall over–and we’ve managed to open up new market segments while operationally leveraging up yields from the primary resource businesses to feed the further downstream operations. Obviously, there is some social friction, the usual ESG crowd making noises, about the timber and mining operations, carbon emissions and so on, but we’ll deal with them the usual way. I’ve already increased our lobbying budget and, otherwise–“
“SIR, THE DIVORCE LAWYERS ARE STILL ON THE PHONE?“
“Yes, yes! I’ll be there in a moment! OK, you, double the tonnage from those operations, we need to ramp up volumes ahead of market growth, and the added volumes will hasten our competitor’s demise. Consider tactical shortages thereafter, but only once we are the market leader. Make sure you have a workaround for the greenies–I don’t mind how aggressive–and I want our deal-spotters out there finding me new deals! Why is no one making new fucking businesses these days? Find me growth, everyone, go find me growth!”
***
“It’s them or us. Do we up our bid, Sir?”
“Yes. Lift it by a quarter. There are no deals left, so this is winner takes all. This goddam recession isn’t going anywhere either. The whole world has gone mad. Why aren’t people making bloody babies anymore? Get the lawyers and bankers on the phones, and up the fucking bid! We buy them, or they’ll buy us!”
“SIR, THE PRESIDENT IS ON THE PHONE. THE GOVERNMENT NEEDS ANOTHER BAILOUT?”
“Fucksake–OK, put him through. Hi–hi, Mr President. How can I help?”
“YES, WELL, HELLO. I’LL KEEP THIS QUICK BUT I ASSUME YOU HAVE BEEN BRIEFED ON THE LOSS OF THE EMERGING MARKETS–REAL TRAGEDY AND ALL THAT, YOU KNOW, WHEN THE FOOD RAN OUT–BUT WE NEED TO SHORE UP HERE, AND ME AND THE SECRETARY WERE–“
“Sorry, Mr President, I have to stop you there. I’ll call you back. Sorry, something has come up. Bye.”
“JUST ON–“
*CLICK*
“Am I reading that right? They’ve accepted?”
“Yes, sir. We’ve won. They’ve accepted our takeover offer. We are now the undisputed market leader.”
***
“Twelve-month rolling revenues have fallen by three quarters, but annualizing the last quarter, this is closer to nine-tenths. Supply chains remain nearly impossible to navigate as resources are scarcer and, well, sir, there just aren’t any more crops or trees or water. We’ve entirely pulled out of the African, Asian and South American markets as, well, they don’t exist anymore. And–“
“Jesus, I thought we fucking won. What happened?”
“Yes, sir, we did. We did win.”
“Well, then find me some fucking markets, or some goddam growth. Find me something! Forget annualizing, how are our sales this week?”
“Well, sir, uhm, in the last week, well, we haven’t sold anything.”
“Jesus. H. Christ! What happened to the world? Where are all the customers?”
“Well, sir, there aren’t any customers anymore. They all died.”